If You want me to--a new year

Most days its cloudy in Chambery...like today. On a cloudy day you can walk around and see little bitty mountains. But when the sun comes out you can see the big ones. The "White Beauties," as Dave calls them. I was out today trying to clear my head. For me the best way to clear my head is to stick head phones in my ears and blast something good from the ipod, mp3 player, or whatever I happen to have with me. I was sitting under an overhang on our building because it was raining, and I was listening to some new music. After a half hour or so I thought to walk around and find some pretty mountains instead of looking at the ugly cheep apartment building that faces mine.

I headed to the river and walked towards town. When I crossed a bridge and turned back towards home I was facing one of our snow capped foot hills. Funny how its big but small at the same time. I think life is mainly filled with cloudy days--or years as the case might be. I don't mean in the traditional sense of clouds--depression, sadness, etc. I mean cloudy days that keep us from seeing the big mountains. (the big mountains are the Swiss Alps by the way).

For me life seems to continue to be broken up into sections like it was when I was in school. There was elementary school, then junior high, then high school (oh the horror), and then college. But after college came four years of growing. wow, it went fast. Lord please let it be over. For the last four years I've been in the clouds.

Four years ago this week, or maybe next, I said good bye to the life I had, and started to get ready for the life that I was going to have. I didn't know that at the time of course. I though I'd arrived at the big adventure, moving to Amman, Jordan. WRONG.

My parents and brother and sister brought me to Detroit, the international terminal. We passed men on prayer rugs in the corner of the terminal praying towards Mecca and mobs of women dressed in black from head to toe. I checked in. They came with me to the bottom of an escalator that they couldn't come up because they weren't passengers. I got on the escalator, turned around, and watched them get smaller and smaller as I was carried up to security. It was dramatic to say the least. And the fact that my plane was delayed and I went back down a half hour later really ruined the climax of my departure. (they didn't leave till I took off, Detroit is kind of far away from Grand Rapids if the plane was canceled and I had to go back home).

The next six months were probably the most difficult I'd had up to that point. Its all well recorded in the e-mails my mom printed off and put in a binder. But I'll never read them...especially since I married someone I'm not sure I thought much of at that time. Who knows what kind of terrible things I might have said! Things got better, and I learned to follow God without knowing where we were going. I started dating David Carter--and was pretty sure I was going to marry him after praying very seriously that God would lead me to break up with this man who being in a relationship with made me very vulnerable and nervous. (its scary to date in the middle east without your friends or family to comfort you in the event of a break up). But God didn't lead me to break up with him. So there you have it. logically I married him. I also fell in love with him. And since Dave is the type of person who likes to be really sure of something before he moves on it--once he decided he was going to marry me, things went very fast. One day we were walking around after a weekly dinner together (dating in the middle east is difficult. we didn't see each other much. the first time we were ever alone together was about four weeks before we were engaged.) and he told me he loved me. we moved back to the states about a month later, and he proposed a month after that.

I went back to the states, found a job as an assistant in a law office (how strange is that), surprise! got pregnant, had a baby, moved to France (with a two month old baby--good thing I can't have a redo on that move), learned french. Listing the events hardly does justice to the vitess of the roller coaster. At times I could hardly breath. And now? Now here we are at the real thing. we are looking at bags and scrambling for visas--we are moving to Chad. This is the real adventure. I hope.

So what is the break? what makes this section of my life a new begining instead of just a continuation of what was before?

I had a "theme song" of sorts before I left..Ginny Owens, "If you want me to"

The path way is broken and the signs are unclear
and I don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
I'm going to walk through the valley if you want me to

cuz I'm not who I was when I took my first step
and I'm clinging to the promise, you're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
I will go through the fire if you want me to.

It might not be the way I would have chosen
when you lead me through a world that's not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said I'd never go alone

so when the whole world turns against me
and I'm all by my self
and I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I will remember the suffering your love put you through
and I will go through the valley if you want me to.

I was so willing to do anything--no matter how dangerous it might be. Now I find myself saying, all the time, that the dangers wouldn't bother me if it was just me. Four years ago I had nothing. Now I have everything. I have a wonderful husband, and a great son. I've lost my willingness to go through the valley. I'm at step 4587 out of 1,000,001 of learning to follow God when we don't know where we are going: give him everything that is precious, since its his anyway--and keep moving.

I have always been good at being alone. my worst qualities include not opening up to others (I dont really think I have anything to say most of the time) and not working well with others (i don't like to "run things by" other people. I'd much rather just do what I think is a good thing to do). But now I find myself needing the people around me, and putting them dangerously close to the head of my list of priorities.

I've got a new theme song, although I reserve the right to change it by the end of 2008.

How many roads did I travel
Before I walked down one that led me to You?
How many dream did unravel
Before I believed in a hope that was true?
How long? How far?
What was meant to fulfill only emptied me still
And all You ever wanted…
Only me on my knees
Singing holy, holy
And somehow
All that matters now is
You are holy, holy
How many deaths did I die
Before I was awakened to new life again?
How many half truths did bear witness to
‘Til the proof was disproved in the end?
How long? How far?
What was meant to illuminate shadowed me still
And all You ever wanted…

Its a great one to blast in your head phones.